by Amy Strekas
Neurodivergent Coach & Speech-Language Therapist
Amy is the founder of Speech Language Learning, PLLC, and a specialist in supporting neurodivergent adults, specifically those with ADHD and autism. With over 20 years of experience as a speech-language pathologist and coach, Amy combines her professional expertise and lived experience as an AuADHDer to offer practical strategies for managing stress, navigating sensory needs, and embracing unique strengths. Whether it's building sustainable systems for work and daily life or addressing executive function challenges, Amy’s goal is to empower adults to thrive on their own terms. Explore Amy's articles for insights on embracing neurodiversity and creating a life that aligns with your values.
Perfectionism and ADHD: A Hidden Link
When we think about ADHD, perfectionism is rarely the first thing that comes to mind. More often, ADHD is associated with procrastination, disorganization, and impulsivity. But for many adults, especially women with ADHD, perfectionism is a significant but overlooked part of the equation. It’s not the “typical” image of ADHD, but it’s one that impacts countless individuals, often causing more stress, anxiety, and burnout than the classic hyperactivity symptoms.
For women with ADHD, perfectionism can present itself in subtle yet profound ways. It’s the endless list-making, the constant double-checking of emails, the hours spent re-writing a report, or the fear of starting a project because the outcome “might not be good enough.” This hidden side of ADHD often flies under the radar, leaving many women undiagnosed or misdiagnosed, struggling with feelings of inadequacy and exhaustion.
Why Does ADHD Lead to Perfectionism?
The connection between ADHD and perfectionism is rooted in the way ADHD affects executive function. Executive function is a set of mental processes that include planning, organizing, emotional regulation, and time management—skills that are often more challenging for individuals with ADHD. When these skills are underdeveloped or less reliable, it’s easy to see why someone might overcompensate with perfectionism.
Imagine starting a project only to be overwhelmed by all the details and unsure where to begin. Add in the fear of making mistakes, which can be heightened by years of negative feedback from teachers, bosses, or even family members. This fear can drive someone to spend hours tweaking small details, redoing tasks, or simply avoiding them altogether. Perfectionism becomes a way of regaining control when everything else feels chaotic.
The Gender Gap: Why Women Experience Perfectionism Differently
Research shows that women are more likely to internalize their ADHD symptoms than men. While boys with ADHD may exhibit disruptive behaviors that draw attention (and lead to earlier diagnosis), girls are more likely to mask their symptoms, striving to meet societal expectations of being "good" and "responsible." This masking often leads to a delayed diagnosis and a lifetime of compensating with perfectionism.
For women, this tendency to "do it all" and "do it perfectly" is not just an individual experience but a response to societal pressure. There’s the constant expectation to juggle work, family, social obligations, and personal goals, all while appearing calm and collected. ADHD adds a layer of complexity to this balancing act, making it feel impossible to meet these unrealistic standards.
Because of this, perfectionism in women with ADHD often looks like:
Extreme People-Pleasing: Constantly saying yes to others’ requests to maintain a façade of capability.
Over-preparation: Spending excessive time researching or rehearsing before meetings, calls, or social events.
Paralysis by Analysis: Taking so long to make decisions or start projects due to fear of making the wrong choice.
The Cost of Perfectionism: Burnout and Self-Doubt
Living in a state of perfectionism is exhausting. It’s not uncommon for women with ADHD to feel constantly overwhelmed, never satisfied with their work, and secretly anxious that they’ll be “found out” as incompetent. This cycle can lead to burnout, where even small tasks feel insurmountable.
Burnout, in turn, feeds self-doubt. When a woman with ADHD starts to struggle, the first thought is often, “Why can’t I handle this? What’s wrong with me?” The truth is, nothing is “wrong.” Perfectionism, fueled by ADHD, is not a character flaw—it’s a coping mechanism. But it’s one that ultimately does more harm than good.
Breaking Free from the Perfectionism Trap
So, how can women with ADHD break free from this perfectionism trap? Here are some strategies to help reframe perfectionism and build a healthier relationship with productivity:
Set Boundaries with Yourself: Limit the time you spend on tasks, especially when you notice yourself getting caught in minor details. Use timers or alarms as external reminders to move on.
Challenge Negative Self-Talk: When perfectionist thoughts creep in (“This has to be perfect!”), counter them with a more realistic perspective (“Done is better than perfect”).
Embrace “Good Enough”: Practice doing things “just well enough” and observing how the outcome is often still positive. The key is to start small—aim for 80% effort instead of 100% on one project and see how it feels.
Get Comfortable with Imperfection: Try intentionally making small “mistakes” (e.g., sending a casual email with one typo) to build tolerance for imperfection and reduce the fear of being judged.
Recognize Your Value Beyond Productivity: It’s crucial to separate your worth from your output. Celebrate yourself for qualities like creativity, kindness, and resilience—things that have nothing to do with how “perfect” your work is.
Final Thoughts: Embracing Imperfect Progress
Perfectionism in ADHD isn’t just about wanting to be the best—it’s about wanting to feel safe, accepted, and in control. But this quest for perfection is exhausting and, ultimately, unattainable. By understanding the roots of perfectionism and how ADHD fuels it, women can start to let go of unrealistic expectations and embrace a healthier, more sustainable approach to success.
It’s not about eliminating high standards but rather finding a balance where striving doesn’t come at the cost of well-being. Remember, growth is rarely linear. Embrace imperfect progress.
Want to learn more about neurodivergent coaching support for you or your loved one? Visit our website at https://www.speechlanguagelearning.net/contact-8 and complete a contact form today!
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Keywords:
ADHD Perfectionism
Women with ADHD
Executive Function Challenges
ADHD Coping Strategies
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Citations:
Ramsay, R. J., & Rostain, A. L. (2015). The Adult ADHD Tool Kit: Using CBT to Facilitate Coping Inside and Out. Routledge.
Barkley, R. A. (2010). Taking Charge of Adult ADHD. Guilford Press.
Solden, S., & Frank, M. (2019). A Radical Guide for Women with ADHD. New Harbinger Publications.
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